Right now as I write this, across the room from me is my beautiful partner, every now and then I’ll look up just to take in and appreciate her presence.
She’s there supporting me in all that I do, she’s there as a woman that will do anything for me, as I would for her.
If I look in her eyes it’s not just love for me that I see, but a deep feeling of being loved by me. It’s the joy that only being loved and appreciated unconditionally can bring, can you imagine how amazing this feels to see her happy and to see love in her eyes?
This is truly the relationship I have always wanted and as a young boy who thought such a thing was too much of an elusive experience to have, to have it now brings so me much gratitude.
I’ve always been a true lover of women, from the moment I was born into this world, i’m sure of it.. I’ve always been fascinated by them, the sad thing is throughout most of my life they may of never known it because it was buried deep down.. the thing is I had something that was blocking this unconditional love I had for women and people in general, something was blocking my true authenticity from shining forth.
That something was fear.
I had a lot of fear around the feeling of not being good enough or not being worthy enough for a beautiful relationship to happen or any relationship for that matter, I had great friends and a loving family sure, yet I had always held myself back from having deep, fulfilling connections.
It’s funny I have this memory back when I was in primary school, I remember I got my first ever valentine’s card and the girl asked me (or maybe her friend asked me) if I would go out with her.
I vaguely remember getting it and it shocking me, if I remember rightly it was then that I started feeling I wasn’t good enough to be seen in this way by a girl, I wasn’t good enough to be fancied or loved… Even though I really wanted that… Of course I did, I was born like each of us on this planet wanting to be desire, to be loved and to love.
I remember accepting this invitation and being her boyfriend for one day! In that one day I showed her no attention whatsoever, being a child I just played with my friends.. I was too scared or apathetic to spend any time with her… so she (or her friend once again) dumped me that day.. I mean I was a child sure, but that same fear of getting too close to someone stayed with me till my late teens and even into my twenties, the fear that I wasn’t worthy enough to receive love.
My ego realised apathy was safe, it meant I could keep people at arm’s length, it meant I couldn’t get hurt or experience heart break, but of course it meant I missed out on so many beautiful loving experiences, it meant I couldn’t be the lover I so wanted to be, the lover I truly am and give to women from my heart… To love and be loved.
The relationship I have now is my first long-term relationship, it’s incredible..
I’ve had women in my life sure, but I was too scared to give them my everything, I was too scared to expose my heart fully, I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that girls and women did like me just for me, for who I truly am.. I felt like I had to either hold on tight or be distant and cool.. I made it all about me, instead of just loving them.
Let me repeat that, because it’s such a powerful, yet simple message:
I made it all about ME, instead of JUST LOVING THEM.
It’s been a long journey to becoming the person I am today, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and honestly not given women all that I possibly could.
I know I could have given them so much more.. that doesn’t mean I needed to be in a long-term relationship with them, but it does mean however long they were in my life I gave them all the unconditional love and appreciation they deserved, to allow them to shine bright and feel loved, to give them fond memories of our time together whenever they reminisced.
Fear kept it all about me, that’s the truth… it was all about me. I didn’t give them the experience I could truly give from the person I really was deep down because I was in my head making it about me, not wanting to bruise my ego or feel pain in my heart, I didn’t want to be rejected by them.
The thing is, these women were in my life for a reason. They did think I was good enough, they did think I was worthy, they liked me in all my imperfections. I just couldn’t see that, so I made up their mind for them, I let them go and rejected myself before they could reject me.
I never knew that the act of loving someone automatically makes me good enough.
It was only about a year before I met my partner that I started really becoming relaxed in being me, a true lover of people, a true lover of women, willing to give unconditionally, making it about them and interacting from my heart (this is the person I always was deep down, the person I always wanted to be, but didn’t know how).
Over the years of my personal development I developed a lot of self-love, but my ego was still coming up, this time I felt great but still pulled girls along for a ride where I wasn’t completely honest and vulnerable with them, once again my fear of exposure was present and mostly I gave them a loving experience but I also let them down.
It’s funny, because it’s like all that I was learning in the few months before I met my partner was leading me to that meeting with her, by the time I met her my journey into being truly authentic, powerful in my vulnerability and comfortable in myself was growing exponentially… I came into her life at a time that she needed my unconditional love and appreciation the most.
We’ve let each other into our deepest core and healed each other from within, we know everything about each other. I loved and love her as deeply as possible no matter what fears popped up.
I’ve finally realised it’s not about me, it never was… It’s about loving her, with everything I have, no matter what.
It’s about making a choice within ourselves to never be selfish enough to be held back by our fears, our loved ones deserve so much more than that, we must never wait around for someone to love us first, we have everything we need already, we have an unlimited source of love available to us at all times.. If we truly love we can never run out.
I have written this article because I wonder if through my story we can connect and learn how simple it can really be to have a loving relationship without letting fear get in the way.
It’s so relatable to all of us this fear that comes up when we fall in love or even just begin to like someone, relationships will teach us all we need to know about ourselves, they will show us what areas of ourselves we need to grow the most.
The thing is relationships will always be a learning experience, it never stops. We have to be aware enough to not put up with the limitations that fear brings into our relationships, we have to be the ones to make a choice….
Do we live in fear? Or do we live in love!?
It’s our choice. It always was and always will be.
If this article resonates with you and it had been of some value to your life then I would love to invite you to share it.
With love, George.