09 June 2016

Why Am I Doing All This? Here’s My Story.

Why do I do what I do? Why do I spend hours and hours of my time contemplating the world of love and relationships? Why do I want to coach others to move from fear to love in their relationships and life? Why do I care so much?

Well to explain, I will share with you my story –

I’m not someone who has had a particularly hard upbringing like a lot of people have, I haven’t been abused, I haven’t been abandoned and I haven’t had a lot of heartbreak, but I have been what I call ‘wounded’ throughout my childhood, there are not many children, if any in this world who escape childhood without a ‘wound’ or two.

School at times for me was quite difficult, I didn’t like school and wasn’t talented at fitting the criteria at all, the teachers would make me feel inadequate and I would shy away from speaking up or trying too hard in case I made mistakes or looked like a failure, I would much rather be out jumping around like a child naturally wants to, free as a bird to do what I wanted, I was bullied in primary school as my head growth hadn’t quite caught up with my ears, so I was often called “dumbo” by the other children, I remember finally cracking in class and just crying into my table, the other children were chanting a song to me, tormenting me for no particular reason.

For some reason I also seemed to attract fights and had many, many brawls at a young age, I was taller than most so maybe they saw me as a threat, or maybe I just had that look, but I always attracted fights up until my late teens, by high school my ears had caught up, but now my body was stretching at an alarming rate so before I knew it I was tall and gangly, people would often call me “bean pole”, “lanky piece of shit” etc… Looking back I really wonder if anyone of that age really has any kind of conscience, school can really be a brutal experience as i’m sure many of you can relate to.

Anyway, I loved the idea of girls growing up, I was often smitten by girls in my classes without ever even talking to them, I wanted to speak to them, to ask them out, but I didn’t feel good enough to do it, I didn’t feel worthy, I was living in fear and holding myself back.

I was shy, around friends I was bubbly, fun and enjoyable to be around, but with someone new I held back, not showing the real me, no one ever really got to know me unless they stuck around for a while to break through the layers of shyness that I was hiding in.

This feeling of not being good enough came from both school bullying and growing up with my Dad, I love my Dad, he is kind, giving and loving and has done a lot for me all my life so I thank him for that, but without really knowing it, he made me feel inadequate as a child, nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough, if we played football I would be called ‘kack handed’ meaning that I looked awkward with the ball and had no control, if I was helping him with an outdoor job I would never be quite strong enough, if I didn’t know something he did, or maybe couldn’t get my head around something like math like him, then he would call me dumb or stupid. Simply put, compared to him, I wasn’t good enough and it started to transfer to all parts of my life, these experiences created limiting beliefs.

So when I went to school or played with friends, I was scared to put myself out there because I had created a belief that I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough, when I played team sports at school I was often picked last for teams because I would never try at all through fear of looking bad, of making a mistake or being a failure.

One on one with friends I was good, I remember one of my friends asking me why I don’t play football as good at school as when I just play alone with him, at the time I didn’t really know, but looking back I know it’s because I felt comfortable one on one but not at school, there was less fear of rejection and ridicule.

I wanted so bad to be outgoing, to being able to speak up and be strong in who I was, I wanted so bad to be able to speak to girls that I was attracted to and seduce them into my arms.

But I never did.

By the time I’d left school, I started a sport called Parkour, man did I love that sport, it was just what I had been looking for, it gave me a sense freedom and accomplishment, it made me feel strong in myself and as I got better and better I became more confident, I was someone to be looked up to as an inspiration in the sport, it made me realise with persistence I could get good at something.

The only thing is I also realised that the confidence I got from Parkour was only really felt when I was doing Parkour or with my fellow practitioners, in that world I felt comfortable, strong and able and yet even though I did feel more comfortable in myself in other social situations I still held myself back, I  didn’t fully open myself up to girls, the only time I really did was after a few drinks on a night out, the standard ‘liquid confidence’ most people use to finally let go.

Girls would come into my life, but after a few weeks would stop contacting me, or I would them, I would never really allow them too close through fear of rejection and not feeling good enough.

During this time I started reading into self-development and personal development, I started looking into spirituality as well and learnt all about self-awareness and meditation, I had many, many deep realisations about my own fears, and slowly I let go more and more into being me. IT FELT AMAZING.

There was one particular thing I added to my life a few years ago, that thing was deep breathing, I learnt that a lot of our emotions and fears are trapped in certain areas of our bodies, I learnt that being able to breath deeply allowed me to relax and open myself up to the world… my actions became more relaxed and my body language open and more powerful.

One of the biggest realisations I had, was that all along I didn’t need to be confident, I didn’t need to be good enough and perfect. All I needed to do was relax into being me, whether I made mistakes or not, whether I was feeling ‘confident’ or not, what did it really matter? I lost all attachment to outcomes, I lost attachment to my ego.

I turned from wanting and needing girls, from wanting validation and acceptance from people, to wanting to love girls, to wanting to give to people, to make them feel desired, but never needing anyone or anything for any inner and outer fulfillment.

I also learnt to love life and really appreciate the smallest things, this was truly life changing, it raised my vibration and people started responding to me differently, they could see I had a new spring to my step.

I care about all this so much because I moved myself from a debilitating state of fear, a fear that held me back in my life from really being who I am, to a state of empowered love and strength in who I am, that allows me to love fully from my heart, to have amazing, fulfilling relationships and to meet new people without any fear or anxiety.

I’ve truly moved from thinking, fearful mind, to feeling loving heart.

And you know what? I look around me and I see fear everywhere, I see fear in the destructive, jealous relationships, I see fear in social situations where everyone is wearing ‘masks’ and holding back the real them, I see fear in egotistical men, I see fear in shy guys and girls wanting to speak up but never having the courage to have a go, I see fear in people just walking down the street, with people averting their eyes, no one saying hello to each other, no one making eye contact, why have we become so separated?

When will we realise we are one with each other? When will we realise love is the most powerful force in the world? I want to spread this message so people have a more empowered life on this earth full of joy and happiness.

My biggest mission is to move the world of relationships from fear into love, from destruction to fulfillment, from mediocrity to excellence.

My life has changed dramatically since being on this journey, it feels amazing to be the way I am now, to live life the way I do now.

I am fearless, I am powerful, I am love.

I appreciate it all so much.